One month ago, tomorrow, my dear friend Jenna was diagnosed with a brain tumor. This blog has shared many of the stories from that time. I’m so grateful for the miraculous recover that Jenna has had so far and am excited to share a blog entry written by her for you all!
Arrogance of the Human Heart
By Jenna Lowery
The following is an excerpt from my journal dated 12-27-09:
The year is ending, again. I find myself reflecting on several things that happened in the course of 2009 that I believe have changed my life forever…
The arrogance of the human heart can still amaze me, yet not surprise me. The arrogance of my own heart? I’ve never been more brutally aware of it until this past year. I believe Revelation is Spirit not just intellect. You can “know” a lot of things about life…love, religion, philosophies, science, and cultures…but never have revelation. I think of it as divine, or at least a divine impartation.
In the beginning of last summer, I had one of these revelations. It felt as if my face had been gripped by the hands of God. And in that moment, lightning struck through the core of my heart. It sent a holy kind of pain shattering through my entire being. I saw myself through the eyes of a humble, generous and hurt God. The prior six months were very miserable months for me…constantly getting sick, working 3 part-time jobs and still not able to pay my bills, living alone, and still alone with no boyfriend in sight (lol). Deep in my heart I resented and blamed God for this, and I had accusations against him for even more; a past full of hurt, abuse, betrayal, sacrifice and loss, even the loss of those things I never had. (These events will be in a book I will write ASAP)
But in this moment of revelation, I saw my arrogance, raw and stripped gruesomely bare. But I also saw, a most Holy God capable of crushing my prideful, puny self instead pull my face with his hands close to His lips and kiss my forehead tenderly. That’s revelation to me…when Spirit and intellect meet and dance to the music of the Divine. (In this moment, which I can only describe as attempted above, I realized God is not to blame. Pain and suffering is just going to be a part of life living in a fallen world and having a fallen nature; it just is. We are responsible for how we choose to deal with life as well as death. Bitter and blaming or humble and trusting. Trusting in a God who created the universe, who created every sinew in you, who loved His creation enough to provide redemption in a fallen world.)
Then, on July 26th I ended up in the ER with salmonella poisoning. I thought I was going to die. I have never felt so near death. I lost 12 pounds within a month. After the salmonella was cured my colon got infected and inflamed so I lived with the “Big D” for nearly 2 months. Unbelievable discomfort and misery! At one point I had to be tested for diseases. Fear gripped my heart.
Then the beauty of God’s Spirit spoke into the core of my being…
“In the end all that matters, is that you’re My Beloved.”
End of Journal excerpt (Parentheses were added notations)
So here I am on March 28, 2010, just had a successful removal of a benign brain tumor a couple of weeks ago. I feel truly resurrected. My Faith has been incredibly strengthened. And Christ has deepened His love in my heart and spirit like I never could have hoped for or even prayed for. His love is so deep, so wide, limitless, unconditional, unfailing, and available to all.
Romans 8:38-39 38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Please continue to pray for me, I so appreciate your prayers! I will go to the doctor on April 8th for a CT scan and we will discuss what needs to take place for a couple of tumor cells that they had to leave in a vein in my brain. They were too dangerous to remove during surgery but since their not cancerous we have time to discuss all the options for getting rid of the little rascals!
Much Love!
Jenna Lowery
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Previous Posts on Jenna’s journey -
Mon, Mar 29, 2010
Loving God, Random Ponderings, USA